Defensive Distractions

Looking back over the week I can see that my high, buzzing positivity has dissipated somewhat, and all my thoughts seem to be going in different directions. It is not an excuse, it is a reflection. I have had several bumps in the week, planned and unexpected, and have lost sight over my current goal.

To be clear, my goal is to lose 28lbs and feel confident.

Drinking with new colleagues at a Diwali party may not trim the waistline but does help boost my confidence. I am happy to know I can still carry a conversation and I may perhaps be one step closer to the raconteur I someday hope to be.

I have not done my intended HIIT exercise because everyday I have chosen not to. I have not worn my Apple watch to count calories because I have subconsciously not charged it. I use the watch to work out how many treats I can eat. As my calorie restricted diet is set at 1250 per day I decided if I burnt 300 calories then I could eat them back. I have not done this which means I can eat what I like and disregard the calories. Yum.

I am afraid of success, losing weight and being beautiful. I am very comfortable in the middle, a face in a crowd, a statistic. I see it as hiding in plain sight. At the Diwali party I went all out in a Phase 8 dress, fancy hair and thought out make-up (a very special thing for me!) and I did not receive many compliments, even though I knew I looked better than I had. However, instead of feeling self conscious that I did not look good I felt self conscious that I looked so good that other people felt jealous or envious. That the effort I put in to my look some how made them feel bad about themselves. The problem is that I don’t know where the line is, at what point does my effort tip the scales and cause distress?

These are my personal defence mechanisms and I believe working through them will help me achieve my goal and allow me to feel good.

Keep posted for next week’s update!

Love yourself x

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